who do you have?

“They say: Ask for help. Ask for help. But asking for help does not mean you will get it. Anyway, ask if you cannot help it”

O. R. A

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Today’s post is special.

I was supposed to write it as a spontaneous yesterday but it extended until today.

What makes this post special?

Nothing specific except that there is no preamble. Something I have not done in a very long time.

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Another thing makes today’s post special.

The seperator

So, here I am, trying to convince you on how this post is special.

This post is special because it carries words that summarise a lot of feelings.

Do you have feelings?

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who do you have?

Who do you have?

How many people do you have?

Who….?

Before it gets weird

I am not one who can boast of having people.

You know like “I have so so and so”

Even in times when I tried, it flopped.

Maybe I have not learnt the art of having people

Honestly, in the past I felt sorry for myself. I criticized myself for being so horrible at relationships. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was too boring. Maybe I was tiring. Maybe I was burdensome. Maybe….

Okay… I am not a burden. I am not boring. I am not tiresome

The problem about having to deal with constant negative thoughts about yourself is that it eats you up. It sucks you dry. You eventually become the thoughts you encourage about yourself.

As one who has had to deal with perfectionist tendencies and self-criticism, I am learning that many of the things I allowed myself to believe about myself were false. Sadly, I encouraged others to believe the same about me.

So it was hard to accept good opinions about me.

I am nice? I am kind? Wait until you know me then I’ll see if you would still say the same

Self-loathing thoughts are not from God. They are devilish. They steal God’s light in you. They make you wrinkled. They dry you up. They are horrible.

In God, I know my worth.

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When you look at your life, who can you trust?

Who has your back?

Who can you depend on?

For me, since I was finding it hard to have such relationships. I wanted to be one to someone. I craved to be a heroine. I wanted to feel important by bearing other people’s burden even if it came at my own expense.

Tell me all your problems. I’ll listen. I will comfort you

Even though it meant I was the one spending my own energy while the other person only recieved.

At the end, I comforted yet recieved no comfort.

But I was addicted to feeling like a superwoman and I continued to push my emotional needs aside. I continuously craved for relationships where I was the comforter even if I did not recieve same comfort I gave out.

But, I was dying inside. For everytime, these relationships waned and the gap seperated, I felt like a failure.

You could not even maintian this one?

I had become a comfort tool who was only needed when comfort was needed but put aside in other activities.

You are such a sweet girl. One of the best people I have met. Blah blah

I believed that if I was good enough to be a comfort tool then I was good enough for many other things but it semeed I was too much to handle.

Babe, the other sides of you are too……

Intricate

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I had made an idol of friendships.

I had made them the most relevant aspect from whence I drew my importance from.

I needed that dose of nice words to feel good about myself.

I needed those compliments to feel relevant.

And unfortunately, I was not ready for the whole package.

At the side, God for years had been reaching out to my heart telling me how unhappy He was about the importance I had placed on people.

I could feel God’s sadness about how I placed my relationship with others above my relationship with Him.

I was seeing my worth in other people’s eyes and not His.

I could feel God’s hurt

I knew what it felt like to feel used for the good that I possesed then I was doing the same to God.

The victim sometimes can become a preparator of the same crime they were hurt by

It had to take many crashings and disappointments to accept that God indeed was my constant factor.

I had to learn through pain

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The one thing I longed for so long kept crashing and I was getting disappointed in myself.

I lost hope in myself and in who I was.

In relationships

Why keep giving myself if I could not get what I also needed and wanted?

And those who offered themselves either disappointed or were not enough for me.

Talk about being chosy

God had remained constant. I talked to Him everyday. I shared my deepest secrets, fears and concerns with Him. He knew my fears, He saw my secret tears. He knew my longings. He knew my hurt.

That was when I relaized that I needed God more than my illusions.

I needed God more than people

Because

People are fickle. I am fickle

You like today. You don’t like tommorow.

My confidence began to heal. I could look at the mirror and see who I was.

God loved me.

That was enough

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Because of the process, my first pointer is God.

My relationships are surrendered to God.

He decides who stays and who leaves.

When I struggle to love, I let Him know.

When I feel confused about any relationship, I ask Him for clarity and wisdom on what to do.

And even though relationships mean a lot to me, I do not dive into any, no matter how enticing.

I am not quick to give all of myself without restraint.

God is my restraint

My hope lies not in another imperfect human

It lies in God

Who helps me love imperfect humans

Like me

The love I show is not to prove that I am kind, lovely or sweet.

I show it because I love God

And God loves those that I have to love

Photo by Gary Barnes on Pexels.com

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So cheers to this journey of love

The journey of growth

The journey of sincerity

The journey of purity

The journey of confidence

And if you are in my shoes, I hope you chose God first.

It is not theory, I just shared mine with you.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Accompainment

Quiet memoirs volume 2 was inspired by these feelings.

You can preview it HERE

Conclusion

I am grateful for how my life is taking shape.

I am grateful for the discoveries I have made.

Thankful for the relationships I have experienced.

I have learnt a lot.

I hope you learn from yours as well.

N.B

I have experienced pure love but they were not always enough.

You see, when you depend on the love of another imperfect person you make an idol out of that relationship and any disappointment that comes with it is too hard to bear.

I have met good, nice and kind people but until I dealt with my internal conflicts, I was going to keep struggling to keep ‘people’

And maybe because when I love a person, I love them for them not exactly for what they could give me. I thought most people loved that way.

So as I wrap my head around how other people percieve relationships, I am learning to balance my own perceptions.

I told you today’s post was special.

Or was it ?

If you picked nothing, pick ‘Chose God’

Deuteronomy 31:8  And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. (KJV)

Until next post, spontaneous or not, stay safe and God bless.

#daughterofabba