I referred you from the previous post and here you are.
I should have titled this post: Let’s Talk 2 but I’ll wait until the third time to do that.
Okay….where were we….
I am glad to resume telling you: let’s ride in…
ANOTHER CONVERSATION
This post is supposed to be an announcement but I wanted to do it differently.
There will be another conversation coming up on ABBA’S COURT and this conversation is on communication.
The last conversation was on Domestic Violence and this will be on another practical area of our lives.
The Poster
(I wanted a poster to reflect the topic but it took a while to get this and I love it. I trued escaping from black but it still ended up being the better fit. I also had a hard time getting fonts to suite the topic but at the end everything blended out and I still love it).
HOW TO PARTICIPATE
You can participate in this session by joining the Telegram group where it will be holding. Kindly go through the guidelines. They are very easy to abide by.
I derive most of my inspiration from events around me and from experiences I have had.
This makes me very attentive to situations, people and myself. I weigh every interraction I have with people and from these, share in words or sound when necessary.
With that being said, let’s ride into today’s topic.
Don’t Say Yes When You Mean No
It does not make you a nice person. If you are nice, you are. If you aren’t nice, you aren’t
Some people have the tendency of being people pleasers and this can stem from different personal issues. It could be a response to the fear of rejection and offending others even if it means we would be continously uncomfortable.
Some people do not want to say no because they know that they could use it in the future.
“I scratch your back. You scratch mine”
They know they don’t like hearing no, they won’t say no, so that when it is their turn to ask, they won’t hear no.
Some people do not say no because they love attention. Saying no means you won’t give them your attention.
Attention is not bad. It becomes a concern when one thrives from it constantly. More like “That is all I ever needed”
Some people do not say no when they mean to say no because they are plain dishonest. They do not like to be truthful. They like the fun of making you second guess their stand.
You need to keep figuring out whether they want to be or they don’t
Some people do not say no because they are suffering from greediness.
Aka ‘Big eye’
Some people say yes when they mean no because they believe in sacrificing themselves.
What other reason? Share in the comment section.
Don’t say yes when you mean to say no. Say yes when you mean to say yes.
You gerrit?
Wuruwuru Is Not Okay
Is being straightforward that hard?
Wuruwuru is a Nigerian term in pidgin that is used to describe the character of deception
It is better to leave your options open when you are not sure of a yes or no.
More like: “I don’t have a definite answer yet”
However, from my experiences, some will say this and still leave you hanging indefinitely. They are no better.
When you give a deadline, make sure to communicate what your definite answer is at the specified time.
Don’t leave people hanging
When you leave a person waiting indefinitely for your reply, you are straining your relationship and also communicating distrust. It would take efforts for the person to trust you with a project.
Even if you are La Boss, don’t leave people stale. Communicating will not diminish you. It will not make your size to reduce. You are not a balloon 🎈
When to Say No
I will give you a list of legitimate situations that saying No is necessary.
When you are super occupied
When you are not interested
When you are not ready and cannot see yourself ready within the specified time
When you are not comfortable with the arrangement
When your principles are compromised
When the Holy Spirit says “No”
When you agree to be part of a project or a commitment that you do not want to be part of, you place yourself in a position to underperform. Even in commitments that you are willing to be part of, there is no guarantee that it would turn out well, how much more in a commitment that you lack zeal for.
When you say yes when you mean to say no, you are creating a record of being a dishonest person who cannot state their proper intent and this will mean you are either an exploiter or you are open to exploitation.
And there are many people willing to exploit you
Jesus said in
Mathew 5:37 But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’ [a firm yes or no]; anything more than that comes from the evil one.(AMP)
The moment you start saying “Ermm….”, it means you want to cook up something you most probably will not be able to accomplish.
Stop Using The Holy Spirit……
TO LIE
Another important point is that you should not use the Holy Spirit to camouflage. Be open to stating if your decision is personal or led by the Holy Spirit.
It does not make you spiritual using the Holy Spirit in vain. It makes you disrespectful when you say the Holy Spirit led you when He did not.
The Holy Spirit never forces our will. He partners with us and allows us the opportunity to make a choice. We can choose to agree with His leading or do our will. However, because His leading is better, we submit to it willingly. Therefore using His pattern to manipulate others is pure disrespect.
Communicate
You save yourself unnecessary stress and wuruwuru tactics if you simply communicate well.
Communication informs the other party of your stance and helps them navigate whether they can partner with you or need your participation.
When you say No, they know that you are not interested and will give you the space you request.
Unless they believe they can beg you into an agreement or pay you
When you say Yes, it means they can put you in their plans and look forward to your participation.
Communicate and remind.
Use plain words that communicate your stance. It must not be rude. You can say No in a polite way. It is still going to be No.
It Boils Down To Honesty
Many a man proclaims his own loyalty and goodness,
But who can find a faithful and trustworthy man? (AMP)
It is easy to say “Trust me” but actions are the proof of trust. Words are not enough.
Actions are the proof
A honest person is appreciated for his honesty even if his opinions are not liked.
It is called maintaining a good reputation
This character is important in every sphere of our lives and as most people are into personal businesses, honesty will go a long way in building a good brand.
Be honest about what you can offer and what you cannot.
For example, I make abstract art. I do not claim otherwise. I clearly let my customers and everyone know that. Asking me to paint a portrait will not work and I won’t pretend to do it. I cannot and I am not interested in doing it. I won’t say “I will try my best” when I know I won’t
Know your strengths and communicate when necessary.
Even If You are Indecisive……
You do not need to be dishonest
I have been in positions where my tendency to be indecisive has made me almost compromise on my stance on this topic but I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for teaching me and granting me grace to do better.
I prefer honesty and cherish it. I strive to be as honest as possible in my dealings. I try as much as possible to maintain a honest standard wherever I am and with whomever I deal with. It is a core I uphold.
I also look out for honesty when relating with people. Dishonesty is a big turn off
I prefer a honest No to a dishonest Yes.
As for my tendency to being indecisive, my dependency on the Holy Spirit has helped me so much. I am much better than before.
I am happy about that😊
Those on the Other End
Please do not pressurize people into partnering with you.
If a No was said to you and you fail to convince the person otherwise, take their response in good faith.
When you pressure people into partnering with you, you are less likely to get the best results.
When a person has agreed to participate in an activity or project with you, you can keep tabs on them by reminding them. Be sensible in your reminders.
Do not bombard them with reminders. Give them space. This will mean informing them beforehand before your desired time for the project. Depending on the nature of the project, a month ahead is good. Weekly reminders will be good as well.
If participation is progressing, lengthen the time for your reminders. Instead of weekly reminders, increase it to two weeks. The person has already started, giving them space will be a healthy consideration on your part.
If there is a deadline that has been agreed upon, then remind accordingly.
Pressure can be irritating. Try to avoid or lessen it.
N.B Taking these measures does not mean you will not be disappointed.
Be aware that disappointment may happen, it will help you prepare properly on how manage your project.
Accompaniment
I will share two podcasts.
Click image to listenClick image to listen
Conclusion
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I am grateful to God for He is faithful.
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A previous post has elements of this topic but this post is unique in its own way.
I wanted to say some other thing..
I wil say it in the post…..
Ears
One ear
Two ears
The outer part is mainly cartilagineous. It is sensitive to touch and pain.
Aside from comestic purpose, the ear is the organ of hearing.
Sound gets into it, is balanced and sent to the brain to be interpreted as a sensible information which is then understood by the hearer.
It also has components that maintain body balance (found in the part called the inner ear)
The ears are either pierced or not, this depends on personal, cultural or religious preference.
As part of the body, it has to be cleaned and taken care of to prevent infection and damage.
When the ears are damaged especially the middle and inner ear, the sense of hearing is partially or totally lost.
What else?
Toiletting your ear includes using a cotton bud to clean excess wax.
Using other unhealthy surfaces such as biro cover tip can introduce infectious organisms into the ear. I am a culprit of that bad habit and I am working on it.
Okay…..before I deviate.
“Talk to me”
With the increase awareness on mental health, there is an increased usage of the phrase “Talk to someone”
If suicide occurs, the next words that are shared are “Why did they not talk to someone?”
I advocate speaking to someone when you are overwhelmed. Someone you trust and you are comfortable with.
It is who you talk to about it that matters
Talking to someone that belittles your concerns or does not engage with you is not one you should take personal concerns to because they will drain you and make you feel worse after sharing.
You should feel better after sharing not worse
Therefore it is not everyone that says ‘Talk to me’ that can be talked to.
To Listen
Listening is the act of intentionally understanding what is heard.
A person can hear but does not listen to what is heard
Listening is intentional while hearing is a function of functional ears.
Listening involves attention to what is said and understanding the purpose of what is said.
“Excuse me. Repeat what you said, I did not hear you clearly“
Listening is interpreting what is heard in the appropriate context.
“Excuse me. I did not understand what you said. I heard you but I did not understand”
Listening involves focus.
“After all I said, you did not still get me?”
Listening is intentional.
I repeated it on purpose
Why listening is hard
It is hard because we often have what we want to say before we hear.
We already have preconcieved ideas about the situation and we are not ready to change that in that moment.
We have a point to prove.
We are not interested.
We are bored.
We are only interested in what we have to say.
Talk all you want, I already have what I want to say
And for these reasons, it is common encountering situations where after a long conversation regarding an issue, the other person may still misunderstand you.
After everything I said?
For the times we misunderstood someone, the problem we had was in the listening and not in the hearing.
We heard them but we zoned out and did not listen.
And if we cared enough to have that conversation, we would ask the person to repeat the statement or expound it for us to understand.
Or we can simply keep zoning out and say what we want to say regardless of what the person has said.
This also happens when we are approached with a concern to get an advice. We can either listen and give advice that suites the person and the unique situation or bombard the person with general advice that we use for everyone.
Fixed advice. Advice templates. Prepaid advice.
I am looking for the right word, I hope you still got what I was saying.
Has there been a time when you shared a concern with someone and they already had fixed words that you already knew?
It felt like they had memorized the words and did not change it from what they had told someone else. At the end of the day, you felt weird because the words did not address you personally.
They did not listen to you
Because your concern was similar to what they had heard countless times.
Or what they had experienced many times
Listening involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand where they are coming from.
Shoes, sneakers or boots
It means getting their perspective on the matter.
Does it overide your perspective? No
Does it help you engage effectively in the conversation? Yes
Can you still share your perspective? Yes
And beacause you listened, your response will certainly show that you did.
When the people involved in a conversation listen to themselves, communication is easier, even if they do not agree with each other.
The goal of communication is to understand what is shared and not only to say what we want to say.
God listens
When we talk to God, He listens.
God hears us and He understands us.
Every motion. Every emotion poured out in the place of prayer is understood by God who listens.
With this understanding, I do not pray as one whom God does not hear but as one who is listened to.
Why the repetition of words?
We repeat words mainly because we do not have faith. We are not sure if God is hearing us, so we repeat ourselves hoping to get an assurance within us that we are heard.
We often repeat ourselves because we are afraid that if we do not do that, God will forget.
It is fear and doubt that causes it
Jesus said
Matthew 6:7-8 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask Him. (KJV)
I love how Jesus prayed and I have been practicing it for a while.
Father I thank you for you have heard me
Praying about a particular matter on different occasions is a different context. There are certain concerns that may need extended periods of prayers because they build our faith and relationship with God. In the place of praying about these things, we get to experience a deeper relationship with God as He uses these situations to transform our hearts. In all these moments we consistently approach the place of prayer with faith that God has heard us.
But sin is still a fundamental barrier
God hears us but God can choose not to answer us.
Isaiah 59:1-2 Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy, that it cannot hear:
But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid His face from you, that He will not hear.(KJV)
Sin seperates us from God and is also a reason why we feel unheard and thus repeat ourselves hoping God will hear after our many repetitions.
So when the assurance of God is lost, one needs to check if sin has lurked in and created a gap.
When we talk to God, He assures us that we are heard
Our confidence in being heard does not rest in our ability to be good in ourselves but in the confidence on God we call on.
If you believe God hears you, you will be confident that you are heard
1 John 5:13-15 These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.
And this is the confidence that we have in Him, that, if we ask any thing according to His will, He heareth us:
And if we know that He hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of Him. (KJV)
And sometimes, the reason we do not have confidence is because we are afraid it is not God’s will.
We are afraid of what God will say
Will you listen to God?
God listens to us.
Do we listen to Him?
Do you hear God?
God speaks just as He listens.
But do you hear Him?
And if you hear Him, do you listen?
Is that why you do not have confidence that He hears you? Because you may be disobeying what He has said?
Do you only listen when it favours you?
Speak LORD for your servant listens
Will you listen even when it does not agree with your preconcieved ideas?
Will you drop your prejudice and listen?
Do you know what God is saying?
What has God said to you before?
Sometimes, for us to hear God, we need to want to hear God.
John 8:47 He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God.(KJV)
For us to listen, we need to drop our own ideas and be willing to understand what God is saying.
Hebrews 4:7 Again, He limiteth a certain day, saying in David, To day, after so long a time; as it is said, To day if ye will hear His voice, harden not your hearts.(KJV)
There is always an excuse why they could not meet up, why it could not work out
And
You keep pestering them
Busted!
Pick your slippers and walk away softly👣
Some people do not chat a lot. They are not into social media, and they will let you know if they consider you important.
Some people think you will always respond, so they always take their time.
Some people know you like them that much, so they just take advantage
Some people are tired of your pester
Some people don’t use their phones😂😂
There were times I also found it hard to respond because of some of the reasons I mentioned above, I did not understand the gravity until I experienced it😂😂
Sometimes, it was not on purpose. I simply forgot.
😶😶
And they were patient with me.
My turn?
It was hard 😂😂😂😂
After many trials
I gave up🙂
The ghosting was too much.
What does it mean when you are ghosted?
It simply means that you have been ignored for too long without any effort to reach out to you.
Most times, the person doing the ghosting is trying their best to be nice, and wish you could read the signals and let them be.
But most times, we do not get the signal so we keep pestering.
Last year, I wrote a post titled BUSY? The theme is similar. Those who wish to reach out to you will reach out regardless of how ‘busy’ they get.
Even when they are not able to reach out or respond, they let you know. They do not leave you in the dark scrambling for light.
You are important to those who want you to be
O.R.A
Communication☎
Communication is key, you get?
O.R.A
Just communicate
When you are relating with someone, stop leaving them in the dark for too long.
Maybe, it is still hard not to ghost….
If that is the case, be prepared to be well ghosted too😂😂😂😂
Deeperlook 